As I return to writing on my blog following an extended absence while recovering from a concussion/traumatic brain injury, I want and need to explore what it means to trust again.  This is an unexpected path that now opens up before me.  Let’s walk it together…

In the middle of TRUST is the desire to believe.  This idea floats into my mind this morning as Dusty and I cozy up together on the sofa.  The predicted snowflakes swirl outside, buffeted by currents of unseen, untraceable, unimaginable gusts of wind.  The snowflakes, crystallized creations with the briefest existence continue their unpredictable descent to the ground below.  They will find a comfortable landing as their sparkling beads of ice slide together, softening from unique diamond-like conceptions to a blended blanket of decoration.

The clock ticks in the background and I hear over and over again, in the middle of TRUST is the desire to believe.

I scroll back over the past weeks to recall my sweet granddaughter, Violet, during one of her visits at our house.  We had gone outside so that she could enjoy a scooter ride before bedtime.  As she pushed herself from the garage to the driveway rain began to fall.  “Oh no, it’s raining,” she began to whine.  “We’re going to get wet, oh no.  Too wet for my ‘cooter.”  I walked outside and held up my palms to determine how quickly the raindrops were falling.  A bit of wind caught me by surprise and I turned to see Violet scrunching her face into a pout beneath her bike helmet.  She wiped away a raindrop that fell directly on her nose.  Then as a second burst of cold air caught me by surprise, I heard Violet exclaim. “Nana it’s snowing!  Yay it’s snowing!”  She climbed off her scooter threw back her head and stuck out her tongue to try to catch a falling snowflake.  “Nana I caught one!”  She began running in circles beneath the snowflakes that grew larger and larger amidst the blustery winds.  Gone was the whining, laughter pulling her scrunched-up face into smiles and open-mouthed delight.  She literally gulped air and snowflakes while she twirled about.

In the middle of TRUST is the desire to believe.  I want that.  I want that immediate reaction that switches off any moment of despair and turns on snowflake delight.  I want to model the wonder of a toddler who can’t stop spinning in the middle of her complete and utter amazement.  I want to be baffled a by a new beginning.

In the middle of TRUST is the desire to believe.  Like a unique snowflake, I find myself swirling about in my situation where unimaginable gusts of wind throw me off course.  I want to be held by uplifted palms or guided by unseen currents to a gentle landing. I want to understand the desire to believe, to TRUST wholeheartedly, spontaneously.  Where does my trust begin?  Where does it end?  My TRUST, it feels like I am somewhere in the middle, it surrounds me and moves me. I am like a snowflake created uniquely for a time…and so whenever I can and for as long as I can, I need to feel the coolness of the dancing wind. I need to follow its path, to hold up my desire to believe and to let myself blend into a beautiful blanket of TRUST.